this is basically a rant or whine. Nothing to see here.
Kiddo and I are sick of summer. We haven’t had a bad one; matter of fact, this summer has been the best one of the last 17 years. Pretty sure I’m not exaggerating.
She still has her ‘off’ days, some of that whiney voiced 3 year old kind of behavior, a type of over the top, yelling nonstop, and if told to tone it down (hell, if told ‘shutup for a few minutes’) she’ll keep saying ‘OKAY!’ at the top of her lungs for at least 40 minutes. That is the last straw of distracting her, politely reminding her about behavior, etc.
One of the other tiresome, anxiety producing (for me) behaviors is the constant reliance on me for every fucking single thing in the day. When I am left alone is when she is busy lifting shit from my room, stealing money off the table, destroying her own clothing (the kid shreds her clothing like a pro; at the speed of light) and many other behaviors that I normally haven’t seen in a while. All are based on extreme boredom,(she’s a kid who is easily bored) which breeds anxiety for her (and then me). Please dont give me advice, you dont know how it is here—this is just a goddamn rant.
I take her for walks daily; it is the only reprieve I get from these behaviors. Sounds simple, doesn’t it? Well, why not just take her for a walk, then, all of the time? Well, the answer is, that she complains loudly, constantly, whining, yelling, objecting, nonstop loud talking, in a babbling sing song kind of voice, when she discovers it is time to go walking. It is if she hasn’t had the same experience every other day that she is with me this summer; some kind of unpleasant surprise, no, no no, no walk today, no, I dont walk today, is it long? Will it be looong? All this in a high pitched, quavering, whiney teenage/3 year old voice. Non fucking stop. She is non verbal, but not non vocal.
When we actually are walking, it is divine. She is engaged in her own imagination, she enjoys the actual walking, berry picking, exploring, discussions of the sky, the trees (well, a bit repetive sometimes, kind of hair pulling, after hearing ‘trees?LOOK!TREESTREESTREES! Trees!’ over and over and over. We usually walk in a certain wooded area, and sometimes will drive to another city to walk somewhere different (parks, or other wooded areas)
There are 2 weeks left til school. My own anxieties are beginning to grow. Have been practicing counted breath, and other forms of meditation early mornings, so I can control the anxieties. Some days are too busy, or I forget to do it early on, then get distracted by constant demands of the same old fucking shit, tie shoes, wipe ass, entertain me, no dont entertain me,I want this, I want that, I want it NOW; or me saying, what did you do with that ________ (fill in the blank, money, book, device, etc etc) her demands==I cant find X, Y or Z….No I cant find it for you – your room is a mess, why would I bother looking?
How can I escape this shit?
These are the days I would gladly let her live elsewhere. This is a kid I love. Counting down the days.