Grown up Christmas

I live in Maine, today is Christmas day.

I have a special needs young adult daughter, who I love dearly, and a very sweet friend who lives with us.  His name is Jim.

I have grown increasingly  unexcited about Christmas for many years.  No, not the part about Jesus birthday.  The constant consuming mentality, and my daughter, who isn’t really bad about expecting tons of stuff, still thinks it should be magic, I think.

She gets pretty much anything she wants year round; so she understands why this year  we are going low key.   In October, after years of procrastination, I cleaned out her room.  She is sometimes like a 3 to a 5 year old; she needs supervision, and getting her to clear out or clean it just doesn’t happen.  The cleaning out took 3 pickup truck loads, at least, of ‘stuff’.  Don’t worry!  There is still plenty of ‘stuff’ left to sort through, when we are finished with our project. Our project has been to scrape the stickers off of her walls, repair the drywall damage (from her hands) cover the hideously colored walls that her older sister had painted them years ago.  We took two coats of primer on the walls, then bought 2 more cans of paint, of a color chosen by this daughter.  It’s a very pretty, pale aqua color.

I then  contracted with a big box store to come and replace the horrible awful worn out carpet.  It will happen soon; was supposed to happen before Christmas.  It didn’t,  but oh well, next week, I think.

This christmas for me, was low key and unenthusiastic.  Kiddo, my youngest was happy, and seems to understand that we can’t  turn her room into another trash heap of plastic toys, crap, and other consumables.

I am glad to be with 2 people I love.   I am grateful for everything around me.

I  disconnected from my mother a few years ago; I think I was 55. It isn’t that I hate her, or am angry at her.  A good deal of my life was spent trying to figure out why I was such a piece of shit, a worthless twisted, bad, awful woman.   This, according to

my mother.    She is pretty normal for periods of time, but there are times when a switch is flipped in her head, and she becomes a victim, begins saying crazy stuff, when I was a kid, it always floored me, and made me feel bad.  When you are 8 years old, and your mom tells you what a piece of crap you are, you believe it.

This continued all through my life; she always finding things to become offended by, when I adopted my youngest, (nigger this, nigger that,  who did I think I was?   I just thought I was better than everyone else, didn’t I? etc etc)  When I discovered my youngest had special needs–I already knew  that the birth mother was a drug and alcohol addict- there was constant harping about how I should put her in an institution, and how much happier I’d be if I did.  This from a woman who never ever met her, was never interested in her, constantly forgot her birthday, Christmas presents, while remembering my other daughter’s birthday, Christmas, etc.  I sometimes would contact her to see how she was faring.  I love my mother, just don’t want to be around her.  Every few years, I would take a break from her, and not have any contact, then, felt guilty, and re established contact, thus opening the door for her nasty behavior.   I finally got tired of it enough to just quit for good.   Others have told me ‘you should keep contact, in case she dies, you will feel awful’…..I don’t think this is a good or valid reason to re establish contact with someone who makes me feel very bad, physically and emotionally.   My dad died when I was 28 and she was 50.  Her 2nd husband also died (she didn’t marry for quite a few years) of cancer, so she is alone.  My brother and sister live within driving distance of her; even they don’t see her everyday or week.  I think that since I stopped contact, she dumps on them more.

Anyway, the point of this long ramble is that I saw a photo posted by my sister; each year she, my brother and my mom (plus my siblings boyfriend and girlfriend) show photos of all of them together.   I miss my brother and sister; I’d love to see them, but I cannot right now.  We all have our own lives.  If I went down there, I know my sister would bring my mother to the gathering, and I am done with that.  Not bitter, not angry, I love her, just don’t want to open any more doors.  I wish my mom well, but would love to see my siblings.  They are 49, and 51, I am 59.

That’s all!  Just wanted to vent.

Merry Christmas!

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