guardianship

Yesterday, my youngest and I went to the Hancock county courthouse to attend the last ‘guardianship’ meeting. The first one was for ‘temporary’ after she just turned 18.
Kiddo isn’t capable of being on her own yet, or perhaps ever, at least not without some other responsible person around.
That responsible person for the next while, how ever long, is me– …
We got the first, temporary guardianship in case there was someone around who wanted to influence her wrongly, to benefit from her inability to run her own life. (yes, there are folks around like that who prey on people….I know some.)

Got awarded the temporary; and an ‘advocate’ came to interview my kid, to make sure she wasn’t being held captive, that this was what she agreed to. (kiddo is non verbal, so I guess the visitor went away satisfied)
Yesterday, the same judge was presiding; it was good. He seems to be a guy who is paying attention. I was called to the witness stand, and (almost like Perry Mason!) spoke with the judge who asked me what my plan was. Huh? Plan? How can I plan? I mean, I have an idea or two, and hopes and dreams for kiddo. I truly think she is capable of many things, but am trying to learn how to bring them to fruition. I struggled with what to say to him, and thought about my late husband, and how we’d talked about our special girl and her future.
While in the witness chair, next to the judge, I struggled to explain simply, what her future might be. I knew she wasn’t ready to go out in the world alone. I knew she isn’t ready for a special group home. (no, not that, not yet, maybe never, but who knows? There are some good ones) I knew I couldn’t possibly send her to a special college 3 hours drive away, where she might be unattended at night. I tried to not to think of my husband/and those minutes that I tried to express her essence and skill, and what I would do, were the hardest things I’ve done for a while… Never have I missed my late husband so much, so longingly, to be with me and explain how we as a team were deciding. I tried to be concise, but how can you be concise about 18 years of working on a kid, who really was formless for so many years? I knew there was ‘stuff’ inside of her, but others didn’t know. I struggled to speak, almost came to tears, and reassured him she’d always have a place to live and I would work for the best for her, and not hold her back when the time was right. Only, it wasn’t right yet. I appreciated that he saw my sincerity, and remarked on it. (oh yeah, also told him I didn’t want to do the mommy thing when I was 80)
Inspite of how well it turned out, and he complimented me on my earnestness –I felt exhausted, and lonely for Joe. I wished he was there to counsel, support, encourage me that day. Never have I felt so alone, so tired.
The judge said ‘I am awarding you the same excellent job you’ve been doing for 18 years.’ I am glad he understood the struggle.

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restless

It’s another beautiful day here in vacationland; think it’s not going to be too hot or humid, with a chance of some afternoon showers.
Today’s the day! Kiddo has a few hours with her behavioral worker, a lady who shows her how to behave socially in the community, how to figure out a budget (heck, maybe I should go along with them) how to do various everyday things that she’ll need to know for the future.
Then, a week of overnight camp, I’m so blessed! When she returns from her time spent with her worker, we’ll take a stroll, and then, drive to camp! Hurrah!
Yes, I love her dearly. Yes, I enjoy (mostly) the time we share. It’s summer vacation here in kidville….I need a bit of breathing space, and break from being on call, from being the (1) activity director (2) supervisor (3)butt wipe (4)shoe tie servant, and any number of other stuff I do on a regular basis.
Does she know how to do some chores? Yes. Lots of times, it’s easier to just get it done by myself, instead of being a job coach and stand and instruct, repeatedly. Then, there is always the arguing about getting something done. That’s any teen, but with kiddo it is times 100.
She’s improved in her behavior and has matured alot in last few years. She still is a 3 or 4 year old in many ways, but in some ways, she reminds me of an ‘almost typical’ teen.
I wont be inactive when she is having fun at camp. There is stuff to do, (plenty!) and appointments to keep. I just have a real hankering to be left alone for a while. No conversations, no arguments, no discussions, no answering questions with obvious answers (her way of chatting,and being reassured, I think).
Arlo the parrot, also is restless this morning, probably picked it up from me. He’s demanded buttered toast, yelled at the squirrels outdoors, asked to go out, demanded eggs, and asked for ‘bobbity’. Yes, he got the eggs, and I’m all out of the ‘bobbity’, which is a grain, vegetable mix I make. Gave him some other stuff too, but he isn’t satisfied yet. He went outdoors, and I can hear him yelling ‘your ears are wierd!’ and ‘stop that!’you are a wienerd!’ (he made that up himself; he used to love to eat little bites of wieners, when I’d feed them to the kids when they were little. He’d ask repeatedly for wieners…Finally, we began to tell him that he WAS a wiener. Then, he coined the phrase ‘you’re a wie-nerd!’)
I hope you all have a good day; it’s time to pack up for camp.